Last weekend, our church finished the excellent series Shepherding a Child’s Heart. As I reflect back over these past 15 lessons, I would summarize what I learned into three parenting tips.

If you are a parent or grandparent, you can\’t afford to miss these. It could make the difference between a lifetime of failure and regret, or one of joy and thanksgiving.

1. Shepherd the Heart. Our main duty as a parent is to shepherd our child’s heart. We are not merely trying to survive these years and prevent our kids from using drugs or getting pregnant. We are introducing them to God and encouraging them to know and fear Him. There will always be a temptation to focus on behavior because that is what we see and hear. But lasting change begins deep in the heart. Jesus explains, “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45; cf. Proverbs 4:23). Much of our parenting deals with “abundance of the heart” issues , that is, we are addressing fruit, but we are constantly tracing it back to the root, beneath the surface, in their heart. Do they know Christ? Are they obeying Him? Are they trusting Him? Are they loving their neighbor? Are they being selfish? Where do they find their sense of identity and importance? Are they using words that build up or tear down? As we appeal to the conscience and apply the gospel to everyday life, we help our children make genuine, lasting change.
2. Teach Them To Respect Authority. Ephesians 6:1-3 is written directly to children and says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’ ” Much of parenting is simply helping our kids to obey this verse. God is ultimately in charge, but he has put human authorities over us to care for us and protect us. If kids can learn to respect authority in their thoughts, words, and actions, they will stay in God’s circle of blessing. Those who stray from authority put themselves in a very dangerous position, where God disciplines us – or worse – hardens our hearts and turns us over to Satan. Children who respect authority not only honor God, but are more likely to enjoy His blessing in life.
3. Influence through Encouragement. Effective parents will not simply talk at their children but talk with them. We must care for our kids, be gracious and sympathetic toward them, and draw them out through questions. The best discipleship is always life-on-life, in the context of healthy relationships. As kids grow older, we are not merely telling them what to do, but we are walking through life together, sharing in their joys and burdens, celebrating their successes and grieving their failures with grace and praying with them for help. If we just stand on our soap box and lecture, our kids will tune us out. A whisper is usually louder than a shout.

There is much, much more that could be said, but these were a few highlights for me. If you haven’t read the book, I highly encourage you to get a copy and read it. There is also a parents handbook, a leaders guide, and a video series which we watched together at church.

One more thing. Back in Session 12, Dr. Tripp gave a series of questions that can help us understand our child and focus on character issues. These are helpful was we assess our kids’ strengths and weaknesses, and to know how to pray for them. Think of it as a growth chart in their medical file, except this is a spiritual growth chart. You can rate them on a scale of 1 to 5 and single out one or two at a time to work on and pray for.

Here are the questions, which Dr. Tripp suggests asking every six months…

–HIS RELATIONSHIP TO GOD–

*Does he have a conscious sense of need? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he concerned about knowing and loving God? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he interact well with God – independent of mom and dad? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he find comfort in God? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he moved by God? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he alive to spiritual realities (e.g. heaven, hell, accountability)? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he talk/think well of God (a big or small view of God)? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he have a healthy view God? (Savior, Judge, Friend) 1 2 3 4 5

–HIS RELATIONSHIP TO HIMSELF–

*Is he aware of his own strengths and weaknesses? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he know his personality? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he self-conscious on how he interacts with others? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he easily manipulated? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he have a healthy view of self? (Not overly shy or arrogant) 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he humble yet confident (not feeling superior or inadequate)? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he able to stick with a task to completion? 1 2 3 4 5

*Is he able to work on his own (not overly dependent)? 1 2 3 4 5

–HIS RELATIONSHIP TO OTHERS–

*Is he pleasant with others? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he respond well to disappointment? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he put others first (not seize control)? 1 2 3 4 5

*Does he recognize his strengths and weaknesses? 1 2 3 4 5

*Can he resolve conflict? 1 2 3 4 5